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Parenting: How The Heck Do You Enjoy Your Emotionally SN Child?

600| Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:56:00 GMT| itags.org Seeker| Comments (6)
I posted about this once in teens and preteens not that long ago, and tried really hard to assimilate the information I got but I still feel pretty empty so I thought I'd post here and see if you all have any thoughts.

(the short:)

How do you start a new day without hanging on to the "brace yourself for trouble" mentality?

How do you let go of the bad in order to have time to enjoy the good?

How do you keep yourself from comparing the bad behaviors of your emotionally SN child from the not-so-bad behaviors of your other child(ren)?

How do you keep things from spiraling out of control with a child where negativity brings more negativity when you are truly frustrated? (i.e. if he acts out and then I'm in a foul mood, he acts out even more and more and more)

(the long:)

My son is 12. He's ADHD, very possibly bipolar, and a few other things as well. He's been an unusual kid as long as I can remember. I love him very much, but its been very difficult at times, adjusting to him and sorting out the "normal negative kid behaviors" from the "he cant help it" behaviors. He's gone through a few different phases from aggressive/disregard for others type behavior in daycare (he was kicked out of atleast a dozen before he started kindergarten) to bouncing off the walls/ignoring instructions in primary school to his current "phase".

Now, he has calmed down a LOT physically. He only climbs over the couch and runs through the house a half dozen times a day :lol instead of every time he moves. He's able to read lots and lots and focus on his school work a LOT better (I homeschool him now because I had so much trouble with the SN classes in our area) Many of the textbook ADHD issues are fading away. But in their place is a complete inability to accept any kind of feedback or request or behavioral adjustment without argument. I've tried putting a positive spin on things, having him give me his thoughts on his behavior and if it should be adjusted, etc. I'm at my wits end.

Probably the one thing that is really the hardest, is that when I'm not on my "A game" and I'm annoyed (because I asked him to do a simple task like rinse and put his bowl in the sink and got a 5 minute debate on how he shouldn't have to) he gets worse. He really has just been driving me NUTS. Its like we make progress, and then he backsteps in a huge way, and I just want to pull my hair out. i.e.. I took him to the grocery store alone last week. We got some treats, had a really great long conversation (its 45 min to the store for us) and he even went in and paid for gas for our car, and was all excited about how I gave him a $50 bill to pay for it with (gas was like $30). It was really great... then we got into the store and he just started going crazy again. Running in circles around the cart, trying to climb in the cart (he's 12 and over 5 ft tall...), touching every single thing we pass (even food), sitting in the isles, picking his nose, etc. It was an absolute nightmare. I got so angry and frustrated. Nothing I said or did would help.

It just seems like every time we take a step forward, we take 5 steps back. Its so hard not to be angry with him all the time :( I find myself bracing for the negative every time he walks into the room, because when I don't, I get lulled into this "ahh we're having a good day" mindset, and then something will happen and I snap back into reality. Lately our biggest issues have been his arguing/refusing to admit he does anything wrong ever and his behavior w/ his 2 yr old sister (he is either being so crazy with her that they both get out of control and generally she gets hurt or he is acting like he's her '3rd parent' and yelling at her/bossing her around/taking things from her that he shouldn't)

I've always been able to adjust to him in the past as he has gone through his phases or taken on new/different behaviors, but this time I am really and truly finding myself unable to adapt. Maybe its because we have more children now (we have a 2 yr old who in the past 8 mos or so has become old enough for him to springboard his behaviors off of and are expecting another any day)

Our latest issue was when he was beating the crap out of a stop sign at the end of the block (we let him walk his dog because we felt it was a good way for him to bond with the dog and blow off some steam). We were 4 houses from the end of the block (all of us have large 1/4-1/2 acre lots) and it was about 7:30pm maybe a little later, not quite dark out, and with our doors shut, while eating dinner on the opposite end of the house, we heard this high pitched noise and figured he was in the yard banging on something (he likes to hit random things w/ sticks). So DH went out to find that he was that far away beating the crap out of a stop sign. We tried to explain to him calmly that he could not do that, that it was against the law to damage public property because if someone didnt see the stop sign there could be an accident, that it was disruptive to all the people in noise range, and that it simply wasnt ok to touch something that did not belong to him. He flipped out and went on for about a half hour on how wrong we were and how he wasnt doing anything wrong and everyone else is just stupid and should go die if they didn't like it. At no point during the entire conversation did he ever admit that he was wrong in any way what so ever even though it wasnt his property (which to me seems like a no brainer). So now we have to keep him in the yard all the time. He's going to be old enough to drive in like 3 years (he'll be 13 in a couple of months), and I am afraid to let him walk out of our yard because he's so destructive.

I do love my son very much. But its just SO hard to LIKE him these days. :(

Keywords & Tags: heck, enjoy, emotionally, sn, child, parenting

URL: http://www.healthknowledge.org/parenting/92404/
 
«« Prev - Next »» 6 helpful answers below.
Just wanted to add that we had been waiting on child support to start coming again in order to take him to a new therapist. It just started coming this week and I'm going to wait a month or two to make sure its consistent and get a bit saved up for inconsistencies and then we're going to start taking him to a counselor again. He did so well for awhile that we didnt start seeing another one when we moved, but with the recent changes, DH and I both agree that he needs something more than we can do for him. I just cant afford it w/out child support and his dad stopped paying for over a year.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:12:00 GMT |

I don't have any advice. My son is autistic, but he's only 4 and a half so I've not BTDT yet with an older SN kid. I know that all the hormones surging around in your son now must be making it so much harder for everyone involved because that's the hardest part of raising a neurotypical child, let alone a differently wired one!

:hug

If I think of anything helpful, I'll be back. Until then, keep on truckin, take a deep breath, and try not to kill him!

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:13:00 GMT |

I have a six year old son who is ADHD and ODD and LD, with SPD. There, I wrote it: some of those diagnoses are new. It has been a very very hard road since he was two, and although lots of things have gotten better, there are days when it is hard to stay positive. He is just growing out of the cuddly stage too, and so we don't have the same solace in hugs that we did before, though they still happen. We are seeing a psychologist and working on behaviour management, but frankly we don't seem to be seeing many gains right now. Sometimes I go up after he is asleep at night and look at his beautiful innocent little face and just want to weep for all that might be.

One thing that helps me a little is to focus on ds's more easily loveable traits. For example, even though he is ODD, he can be incredibly empathetic and thoughtful. If his brother falls down, he'll go to the fridge and find the icepack. Stuff like that. He really is a loving, caring, deeply attached child, even at the same time that he seems to be compelled to rage in frustration and battle us every day. Sometimes from the extreme of breaking things to reaching out and doing something for someone else within ten minutes! When he is joyful and enthusiastic, it's real: I try to remember it when he is ready to smash everything with frustration.

I hear you, I feel for you, I know it is hard! And we aren't even at the teenage years yet.

Fiona

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:14:00 GMT |

Ohhhh, :Hug Jenlaana

I can relate to your post on several levels, I am not even sure where to start!
As a parent, my eldest child has NLD, which causes rages at home, along with poor social skills, and while she is a joy, bright, funny, and sweet, I have fought with her so hard, for so long, that even when she is at her best I can feel the reserve in me responding, KWIM? And my DH and my IL's, who she is very close to, don't have this, since it is me she "targets" for her anger and worst behavior. (I choose to believe it is the AP, that she trusts me, etc... but it is still hard to bear sometimes)
One thing that has worked for me, with her, is after the other girls are in bed, I go into her room and spend some quiet one-on-one time with her, just listening to her. That has made a huge difference in our relationship. Perhaps there might be something like that you could do, just to be able to see his good side, and build the positive side of your own relationship with him?

On the other hand, I personally have ADD, pretty severe. So I saw myself in your description of his behavior... :o And I can tell you, a lot of that is the ADD, and it is not his choice to behave that way. I struggle with that, my DH knows I have this, but many things he still seems to think that if I just tried harder, it would be better. Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. I tell him, if you are transporting a diabetic pt, (he is a paramedic) do you tell them to try harder to produce insulin?!? Because it is the same thing, my brain just cannot focus, or remember, or settle down or whatever!

I have to ask, have you tried meds? :duck: I know they are really highly controversial here, and many will critisize me for asking, but for me they are truly a godsend. I have been off mine since March '05 due to pg and nursing, and I miss them. My life is completely different when I am on them - it is, to me, like giving a diabetic insulin - my body does not work right, and the meds help it function. I never thought I was hyperactive, until I took my first dose and realized that the sound in my head like 5 radios all playing at the same time, which was my thoughts all racing around, was not normal, and I could actually have one thought, and follow it all the way to it's conclusion! So I guess I would say, if you haven't tried them, give it some thought.

Also, I would encourage you to seek as much info as you can about ADHD in boys, so you can know what is ADHD, what is NT adolescent boy, and what you can do to improve things for your family.
http://www.additudemag.com/ is a good place, and everything by Ned Hallowell, who has it himself...
http://www.drhallowell.com/

and just big hugs,
Sharon

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:15:00 GMT |

Jenlaana, I do not mean to hijack your thread, we are here for you. But Sharon, thank you for that insight. That really helps.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:16:00 GMT |

Jenlaana, :hug. My dd (8) has a lot of anxiety (dx w/ generalized anxiety disorder), and has a lot of anger/irritability and aggressive behavior for which we still don't fully understand the causes (and for which we haven't yet found a lasting solution), along with tics that lead us to suspect Tourette's. We're starting our second psychological assessment. She's just super challenging to parent. It's a marathon without end. And there are times I don't enjoy her, though I love her more than I could ever say. It's just hard, sometimes, to keep on going and keep on enjoying when the behaviors bring so much tension to the family so consistently.

How do you start a new day without hanging on to the "brace yourself for trouble" mentality?
Sometimes it helps me to remind myself that today is a new day, it's not yesterday or the day before or all those other awful times. It's a fresh, new day and I don't know what it will bring, so it's okay to not brace myself, it's okay to start out enjoying it.

Also, there's some aspect for me here of fear of being vulnerable...I'm not sure how to say this. It's like...I have this fear (is fear the right word?) that if I start out feeling positive and hopeful, I'm just going to end up feeling worse if my dc acts up. So it's almost a self-protection thing, this desire to brace myself for trouble. It takes an enormous amount of commitment, energy and courage to decide that I'm going to be positive and not tighten up, bracing for the worst (and I don't always accomplish this).

How do you let go of the bad in order to have time to enjoy the good?
Remind myself that the bad is past (even if it was only like, 30 seconds ago), and now I need to look for the good (it's always there, just takes some real looking for at times) or make time for the good. It can be as simple as reminding myself to really look at my child, at her beautiful face, and to remember all that is good about her. Even that small thing can make enough space to start building on the good, to start enjoying more of the good. It really helps to set aside time in the day to spend with my child, just us, even a few minutes, when we can connect--talk, play a game, whatever. Positive time, connecting time. It's good medicine.

How do you keep yourself from comparing the bad behaviors of your emotionally SN child from the not-so-bad behaviors of your other child(ren)?
Remind myself that they are not the same people, they do not face the same challenges. There is no comparison, they are who they are.

Part of the problem of comparing, for me, comes from my desire for things to be different, for my SN child to behave differently. This is something I keep needing to let go of. Life is different from how I imagined it would be. My child is different. This is reality. I can't fix her, I can't change her (and if I could, I don't think I would). She is who she is. And she's wonderful. She's just different from her siblings. I can appreciate them, and I can appreciate her-just as they are, just as she is.

How do you keep things from spiraling out of control with a child where negativity brings more negativity when you are truly frustrated? (i.e. if he acts out and then I'm in a foul mood, he acts out even more and more and more)
I have to keep recommitting to being positive. Sometimes I need visual reminders to be positive. It helps to remember to focus on the positive more than on the negative, and to put our relationship first. And I need to remember to take care of myself. I can't give what I don't have, I can't give when I'm just depleted. So I need to be sure I get enough of what I need in order to remain as positive as I can-rest, alone time, support, good food, plenty of water, exercise, whatever.

I wish I had better answers, I sure could use them right about now.

:hug

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:17:00 GMT |

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