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Family Life & Relationships: I cant find enough friends for ds.

600| Fri, 14 Dec 2007 19:30:00 GMT| itags.org Seeker| Comments (31)
My older son desperately wants to be involved in regular group activities with other kids his age. I have been trying to figure this out now for 2 years (I started before we were even officially homeschooling), and I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall. There is just nothing around here.

I've looked into EarthScouts, Spiral Scouts, Campfire, Roots and Shoots, 4-H, YMCA programs, etc. There is nothing other than classes or a sporting team that lasts 3 or 4 months and then the kids all go their separate ways. I've tapped out the homeschooling community in our area - either the families aren't interested in anything regular (i.e, structured), or to be brutally honest, I don't like the kids (there seem to be quite a few "mean" kids.) As my luck would have it, the only thing that there is around here is a Boy Scouts/Cub Scouts homeschool den, but I can't bring myself to join due to moral issues I have with them. But I'm so desperate I started considering it.

Ds1 has really only one other friend who homeschools. He has a friend from his former preschool who is now in school and rarely available (both his parents work full time so afterschool doesn't work out). He used to see the boy next door, but he is also in school now, and although they play with each other, they are very different and not really "friends."

He is such a socially outgoing kid that he is literally begging me ("Please mommy, please, I want to see a friend today, please call somebody") for more interaction with kids his age. And while he enjoy classes and day camps and such, they don't seem to be conducive to creating friendships. They just focus on the activity at hand for an hour and then scatter until next week, and then the whole thing is over after 6 classes. This isn't satisfying to him, and he's starting to have a really hard time with it.

It's just breaking my heart. If I don't get this solved soon, I'm going to have to enroll him in school. I don't understand why I can't seem to make this work. I live in a big city, and I have expanded my search to include places at least 30-45 minutes in either direction. There is nothing.

Keywords & Tags: enough, friends, ds, family, life, relationships

URL: http://www.healthknowledge.org/family-life-relationships/33932/
 
«« Prev - Next »» 31 helpful answers below.
My son is opposite to your son. We do have regular frequent playdates and he seems happy enough with that. He never begs to see friends. So, take what I say with a grain of salt.

Are you getting out of the house enough? Not all kids like to play at the playground by themselves but just getting out for an adventure might be fun. Have you thought about geocaching? I think that would be tons of fun and I am considering it myself. It's like a treasure hunt for the kids and it takes you all over the place. I will pm you a blog I like to look at of a family that geocaches and it looks like they have so much fun.

Second, what about volunteering? I don't know what you could do with a 3yo in tow but there might be something that you and he could get involved with that gives him regular contact with people and to feel like he's doing something worthwhile and important.

Anyways, these are just some ideas that I've been pondering...

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:05:00 GMT |

I definitely know what you mean. I have had much success with networking in various places. My son and I attend events or meetings or groups with likeminded families, and go to the park quite a bit. There are kids my son connects with or parents I connect with, and we cultivate that relationship post-class/meeting/park hang out/etc. It definitely requires some work to root, but it is well worth it. I have met many wonderful mothers, fathers and children in our local API, babywearing and neighborhood parenting groups. Many of my son's friendships began while attending these meetings and playgroups and have developed over time. Do you have any groups like this you could check out? You might meet some great kids there. MDC also was the beginning of some of my son's friendships. And the public parks--I find this a great place for kid interaction and friendships.

I also host playgroups at my house as much as I can. If there is a child my son likes, I try to arrange a playdate. Someone will post about a meeting on our API board and a bunch of mamas will get together. Every time I host one, I have wonderful people and children and my son is thrilled. You could join a group that you feel comfortable with and host playdates. I am going to do a once a week open playgroup at my house this fall. No required commitment, just come when you want so no one feels like there is too much structure. Over the weeks, a natural groups usually comes together.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:06:00 GMT |

I think that lessons and programs are a great way to find potential friends but I don't think that its always easy to parlay a weekly meeting into a friendship without some effort to find unstructured time to play. That takes work on your part to connect with parents, set it up, follow through etc.

Some brainstorming ideas:

Have you tried organizing more free form activities and posting them in the homeschool groups you are in? Things like lego clubs, park days, beack days, hikes/letterboxing, art in the park, board game days at the library, a drop in science club at your house for boys ages 6 - 8, road hockey/basketball/baseball family days on a sunday? Things don't have to be structured to be regular. You will probably find a core group of people who are interested in doing these sorts of activities.

Have you tried connecting with parents at homeschool meetings? I'm more likely to find/be open socializing opportunities if I have made a connection with the parents. Have you tried hooking into the LLL or AP crowd in town - there may be an informal network of homeschoolers you haven't met yet.

Have you tried hosting a co-op? You could do a 'program' of some sort and follow it up w a pot luck snack and freeplay in your yard or at a nearby park.

I also find that playtimes in a park with one family tend to make it easier to see if the kids will mesh together. The behaviour of kids in a larger group might not be indicative of what they would be like one on one or in a 2 family grouping.

Could you approach the library about hosting a homeschool story time for kids ages 6 - 8 during the day?

Can you do after school care one or two days a week for a friend or neighbour whose child your child likes? Can you play at the park afterschool and meet up with neighbourhood kids?

Can you volunteer in any of the scouts/Y etc programs to help your son make some more meaningful connections and see if there is a child there you could forge a friendship with?

I also think that you may need to re-evaluate your judgement of the "mean kids". I don't mean to be harsh, but if you live in a big city with lots of possible options to find potential friends, and you are finding it that hard to connect you might want to look at your expectations and assumptions about who is a suitable playmate. You'll have far less input into playmates if you end up feeling like you need to sign him up for school.
Building a social network around homeschooled kids can take time and effort from the parents especially in the beginning. It's more than just locating groups of kids - it's also finding ways to move the initial interaction to the next stage.

I'm sorry you are struggling and I hope you can find a way to meet your son's needs.
Karen

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:07:00 GMT |

A quick note on the "mean" kids - we stopped going to Park Day because there were several kids who were just always being mean or causing trouble, and the parents ignored it. (Other parents have had the same issues.) And when hs events are organized, these kids are always part of the group. We still attend many of the events, but we've been hanging out with the core group of hs'ers his age in this area for 2 years now, and we have very few friends. And I guess that's why I haven't been motivated to start something myself - it will just be the same kids, the ones we end up avoiding at the hs events.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:08:00 GMT |

So what about inviting a few other families who don't always come to these events? They may be avoiding them for the same reasons you don't like to go.

I'd suggest finding something boyish if he's wanting boy friends- lego is great, dinosaurs, trains, orienteering - all great and easy to do, and plan something invitation only for 3 or 4 other families with boys/kids his age that you don't see often. I'd make it a 2 or 3 time thing with one of them being an outing (ie 2 dinosaur days and then a visit to a museum together). See if it flies before you tell him.

We don't do big park days anymore - the dynamics don't work for my kids. But kids we have had run-ins with at the park are often fantastic one on one - especially if I have gotten to know the mother and we agree on when to step in.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:09:00 GMT |

I feel your pain. I'm so tired of other hs mama's saying "oh yeah, let's get the kids together" and then I email or call and **NOTHING**

Do you belong to a local church? If not, you can try your local UU congregation, some have pretty active youth groups with weekly play times, etc. At least with UU's you know that no matter what you believe (as long as it's not intolerant or mean spirited LOL) you'll be welcome :)

I wish there was some magic formula because I see and hear this complaint so often. Maybe we can brainstorm ways around this issue... especially the part about the same four families "dominating" every event...

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:10:00 GMT |

Since, you live in a big city, I would assume there is more than one homeschool group...right? I l live in a mid-sized town and we have 2 major homeschool groups in the local area. Have you tried looking at other groups? I don't know if you are religious or not or have looked at religious groups, but sometimes something which claims to be religious isn't really all that relgious at all. For example. I am part of a homeschool group which on the website says they are Christian however ALL our activities are basically just regular homeschool acitivities (zoo field trips, park playdays, etc., etc.). We don't do anything religious at all. The other homeschool group in our area is more fundamental.

Also, have you tried look at yahoogroups, or msngroups or meetup.com. THere might be some homeschool groups on there, you don't know about.

Can you start your own homeschool group...maybe on yahoogroups or meetup.com and advertise in libraries, etc.

I do think YOU need to start organizing something...organize park playdates or clubs at your house, etc., etc.

Try looking at just general playgroups or MOMS clubs. Yes, MOST of those moms will have all younger kids, but you might find a few with older school-aged kids (which are likely in school) but still available after school or weekends. I belong to a general playgroup and while the majority are moms with younger kids (less than 4), there are a few with older, school-age kids.

I definitely agree that organized activities like soccer or classes aren't really conducive to friendship.

Also, go to the playground afterschool. My daughter has made friends because we are at the same playground at the same time frequently, and see the same kids. They aren't homeschooled, but still available to play after school.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:11:00 GMT |

We're in a similar situation. I'm happy to have recently found another unschooling family to hang out with, even though ds is 3 years older than their oldest. Ds loves the mom and he is happy with any friend, doesn't need to be a child. We've also made a couple new friends that are in school. I hope we can get together with one of them every couple of weeks.

I'm in the mood to try less hard. I've resolved to be receptive to anything that comes up but I think maybe it is like dating, people are interested when you aren't looking :lol.

Smaller groups and one-on-one play usually work better for ds. He likes playgrounds if there is somene to play with but he likes other outings such as museums with or without a buddy.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:12:00 GMT |

Also, go to the playground afterschool. My daughter has made friends because we are at the same playground at the same time frequently, and see the same kids. They aren't homeschooled, but still available to play after school.

We did that when ds was younger and it was nice seeing familiar faces at the playground. Now that ds doesn't need afternoon naps, I'm going to start doing that again in the afterschool hours when his aged kids are out.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:13:00 GMT |

Hi Ocean Baby! I think you are in the bay--but on the other side?

In Alameda they have this great place. (http://www.rhythmix.org/) They have classes set up just for homeschoolers (Capoeira, hand drumming, etc.).

Although it is a bit of a commute, you might be able to meet some fresh folks. We're doing the Capoeira, but the afterschool for my 6 year-old and the preschool for the 3 year-old... But we won't start until after we return from Portland (going to a wedding)... :)

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:14:00 GMT |

What about posting on the "Finding your Tribe" section here at MDC?

Cathy

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:15:00 GMT |

Do you belong to a local church? If not, you can try your local UU congregation, some have pretty active youth groups with weekly play times, etc. At least with UU's you know that no matter what you believe (as long as it's not intolerant or mean spirited LOL) you'll be welcome :)
...

this is my recommendation. if you join a spiritual home, you can meet like-minded families. Also, we've found the UU church a great place to make friends because they have APish guidelines for kids (respecting kids, nonviolence, etc). So "mean kid" behavior is addressed, but respectfully.

And, of course, it is every week (not just 6), and often there is time allocated each week for free play. And the whole family is there to meet, which can promote friendships and playdates other days of the week :D

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:16:00 GMT |

I know it's not a perfect solution, but my kids love going to the kid program at my gym.

I get to exercise for an hour or two and they play with all the kids. If we go around the same time most days there are some regulars that my kids both enjoy playing with.

Again, this is far from the perfect solution, but it might be away for him to at least lay with other kids for a bit each day.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:17:00 GMT |

my background: right now i'm in a small, isolated town with no homeschoolers, 4 or so kids programs that DD is not very interested in (gymanstics, dancing, girl scouts, swimming), though we will try dancing and gymnastics this year and see how it goes. the parents that i meet at the playgroup are very, very mainstream. to the extent that often my heart would start racing while observing their interactions with their children. DD doesn't have any friends, and the situation is very bleak.

when i look at your situation, where you actually have a homeschooling group, and imagine myself in your situation, i think i'd be going to the same outings, even if there are mean kids. i'd be on guard and watch them closely, and wouldn't allow anything mean towards my children. i'd give the situation a chance. i know it isn't pleasant, but new people might come, the parents of the mean kids might leave (maybe even because your vigilant presense might make them uncomfortable), and who knows what can come out of it. maybe you caught the mean kids on the bad days, even if these were several outings in a row. maybe they are not always mean.

i know it is easy for me to say the above, especially considering my own experience of isolation is pretty extreme, and that in reality it is very difficult to be in a not very friendly environment. i can certainly relate, when i go to the playgroup 3 times a week, as there is nothing else to do, and most days we can't be outside for more than 30 minutes because of the weather. but certainly from where i'm now, your situation is quite rosy. :o

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:18:00 GMT |

One solution I've not yet seen mentioned...

I started volunteering at the Unitarian Universalist church daycare in my area. (Though really it could be any that is handiest to you.) Then my kid could go for free as my tag along and play with kids that stayed the same week after week. It also helped me (as a SAHM) add some resume bits so if/when I ever decide to go back to work it's not this huge gap of time with nothing on it. *I* value my time as a SAHM, but some employers won't. YKWIM?

I ran into the same problem with playgroups, library times, swim class, museum etc. Mess of kids while there, but next time you go, it's a whole other crew. She was having trouble making deeper, more long lasting friendships.

HTH!
A.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:19:00 GMT |

Could you offer to do afterschool daycare for a few children his age? You mention that he has one friend from preschool -- could you offer to pick that child up at school either once in a while or on a regular basis?

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:20:00 GMT |

why not do some short term sporting teams as temp solution? I know this is hard when the teams break up, but might fulfill the need for now...

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:21:00 GMT |

I appreciate all the suggestions. One problem is we live in a big, expensive city, with not many families. The families that are here tend to be mostly two income, due to the high cost of living, so there just aren't many kids around during the day. Our neighbors are the only other kids we've ever met in the 8+ years living in this neighborhood. When I go to the playground it's mainly very young children.

He's starting on a soccer team next week, so we'll see if something comes from that. I'm just really missing the ease of having other kids around - living in a cul de sac, having a class of 20 kids, etc.

And he is really missing preschool (the only school he has done). Everytime he asks me to call one of his friends and I tell them that they are in school, you can tell that's he's a bit upset that HE's not in school.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:22:00 GMT |

:hug I'm right here with you...my dd is the same..no friends and she begs me to go places so she can play with others..it was BAD in the summer, and now that school has started it's even worse :(

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:23:00 GMT |

:hug

what about this, then? (this is what i'm working on :lol ), they say that if you really, really want something, the universe conspires with you so that you get it.

i want one unschooling family (i'd be happy with any homeschoolers, but you gotta aim high, right?:lol ) with children 4 to 8 to move to our town this fall.

your turn. :wink

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:24:00 GMT |

:hug

what about this, then? (this is what i'm working on :lol ), they say that if you really, really want something, the universe conspires with you so that you get it.

i want one unschooling family (i'd be happy with any homeschoolers, but you gotta aim high, right?:lol ) with children 4 to 8 to move to my town this fall.

your turn. :wink

:lol Ya just never know!

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:25:00 GMT |

:lol Ya just never know!

and no much else is left to try :lol

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:26:00 GMT |

I've looked into EarthScouts, Spiral Scouts, Campfire, Roots and Shoots, 4-H, YMCA programs, etc. There is nothing other than classes or a sporting team that lasts 3 or 4 months and then the kids all go their separate ways. I've tapped out the homeschooling community in our area - either the families aren't interested in anything regular (i.e, structured), or to be brutally honest, I don't like the kids (there seem to be quite a few "mean" kids.)

I found I had to make a special effort to harvest playmates from the group activities we attended - just waiting for friendships to form was not enough. I'd get into friendly conversations with other parents and flat out tell them I'd like to get the kids together. Then I'd quickly follow up with phone calls about specific play dates - and keep it up regularly after the first time. The fact that he's so socially outgoing can be an attractive thing to other parents, especially if they have shy children. Keep an eye out for those shy ones. I realize you've already put a lot of energy into this - I'm just saying that extra effort beyond what seems natural can sometimes pay off.

What I did at one point was put together a little science club at my house for my son and three others who I'd noticed at groups seemed especially inquisitive - but the main thing they did was play- before and after the experiments. The parents didn't have to do a thing beyond helping their boys to gather supplies for the experiments they each brought to share every week. The moms were very grateful, to say the least - because their kids were having a ball!

For a while, we were also in two small weekly groups with a few others who wanted social opportunities. If you're the one to come up with creative ideas before putting out the suggestion/invitations. You might look into hiring someone who does children's theater but is willing to do drama activities with a tiny group of homeschoolers once a week; talk to someone who speaks Spanish and is willing to do simple little activities with them once a week, like making a pinata or tortillas with them while speaking to them in Spanish and teaching them a few words, or someone who does creative music activities or science activities, etc. We were able to keep our costs very low - because most of the people we found were homeschoolers or already worked with homeschoolers, and they weren't expecting to make much money from it. And of course you yourself could arrange craft activities with all the supplies - so the moms could just show up and contribute to the cost of the supplies. Lots of people consider that kind of thing an inexpensive luxury.

Arranging little field trips is something people are usually grateful for too - and get busy during those field trips to be arranging play dates. Usually, "If you build it, they will come" if it's something that's rather effortless for the other moms and doesn't put pressure on their children to do schooly things. One big reason people are flocking to those charter programs is because everything's done for them - all they have to do is show up.

As for mean kids, I've seen that they're quite often better when they're alone and being provided with something to do. I wouldn't completely give up on them - they might be desperate for playmates :D... You just never know... - Lillian

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:27:00 GMT |

I just wanted to commiserate. My oldest was exactly like that. It was very exhausting. He turned out to be a musician who wants to be a lawyer. :lol That was all pretty apparent by 18 mos or so. (By then he could follow along with hs grandfather on the piano, and talked a blue streak). So between preforming, writing and maybe a day job as an attorney someday, all I can say is 'Hold onto you hat'. You can't change who a person is, kwim.

My oldest went to school at age 5, so you can see that I have no good advice for you.

I do however, hope some good friends materialize. It took us years to find hsers, but with hsing being so much more common now, it shouldn't take you the 12 years it took us!

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:28:00 GMT |

:hug

what about this, then? (this is what i'm working on :lol ), they say that if you really, really want something, the universe conspires with you so that you get it.

i want one unschooling family (i'd be happy with any homeschoolers, but you gotta aim high, right?:lol ) with children 4 to 8 to move to our town this fall.

your turn. :wink

it worked, it worked, it worked!!!!! :p i'm serious! not exactly about uncshooling, but all of a sudden there are several AP mamas in the playgroup, most with babies, but very interested about unschooling, very AP, excited about my AP playgroup that failed last year as there were no AP mamas in town.

an AP, SAHM moved into town just 2 weeks ago; a new AP mom of a 4m old baby started coming to the playgroup, and another AP family with a SAHD moved in a month ago. this is quite amazing, compared to the last year!!! and there are two more moms who did EC.

today i came home from the playgroup definitely giddy with excitement. all the kids are younger than DD, but at least i don't feel as isolated there, with mainstream moms who yell at their kids, and who only talk of weaning, daycare, and CIO.

i know this is all OT, but just wanted to share. :shy

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:29:00 GMT |

My sons were this way when H/S, except they are both very shy. They had a hard time making friends. They started in a private school a couple of years ago and love it. They were unable to make friends while being H/S due to various reasons. Now they have friends they see for five days in a row and get to have lunch, classes, recess, etc with them and they love the education that they are getting and being involved in groups and teams in their school. But if it ever "doesn't" work out for us as far as them going to school then we will H/S again in the future. So far it's working great. I'm glad I have H/S to fall back on in case it doesn't though.

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:30:00 GMT |

Hi Oceanbaby,
Did you find a resolution to your situation? I hope everything works out for your son. We're considering hs-ing (well, I guess I could say that I've finally convinced my dh that it would be a great choice in the future) but I worry about my extroverted son being totally dependent on his introverted mama for social stuff...

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:31:00 GMT |

Have you checked out the "find your tribe" section? Maybe there are a couple other Mamas over there whose kids need some friens. :)

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:32:00 GMT |

I am in a similar situation with nine yo ds. He had always been quite social, but we live in an area where it seems like most homeschoolers are really religious and not interested in having their children associate with non-christians even though we do respect everyone's religious choices.

I have been sad for him lately as he did cultivate a quite strong friendship with the neighbor children, but now for whatever reason they have not been able to play as much. (I think maybe their mom thinks I am some type of hippie freak and - gasp- a liberal!) This has been hard on him, an I feel bad because I have not made much effort to get him out of the neighborhood to search for friends. All his eggs were in one basket so to speak, and now I'm not sure what to do.

And I am an extreme introvert so seeking out socialization does not come naturally.

Since we are asking the universe for solutions, I officially request that I be shown some friendly folks in the Mat-Su Valley with kids for ds to play with.

Any takers?

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:33:00 GMT |

Ds1 has really only one other friend who homeschools. He has a friend from his former preschool who is now in school and rarely available (both his parents work full time so afterschool doesn't work out). He used to see the boy next door, but he is also in school now, and although they play with each other, they are very different and not really "friends."

Could you offer to do after school care for this friend a couple days a week?

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:34:00 GMT |

Have you looked into "after school activities" where he might meet up with kids who spent the day in school and are now done for the day?

itags.org Seeker | Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:35:00 GMT |

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